Getting it out of your system

Though I am currently employed, I am only working 15hrs/week. This is both NOT a living wage and TOO much money to be able to continue collecting unemployment. Bureaucracy wow! Because of this, the job search continues. Daily, I send out at least five resumes and cover letters, tooting my own horn and singing the praises of companies that I care little about. It feels false and gets tiring.
So, for my house's weekly writing group, I have penned this cover letter:

Dear Sir or Madame,

I am writing in response to your ridiculously detailed post on Craigslist. As a recent graduate of of an over-priced liberal arts school that you've never heard of (unless it in is tales of undergraduate heroin parties), I feel I would be an excellent addition to your team.
In my undergraduate education, I have gained several important skills which I feel would make me an asset in any position. I have the ability to be bored by nearly any task, and am openly expressive of my disdain, using the language of sighs, eyerolls and mumbled profanity. I am intensely critical, and believe myself to be above almost any conversation with both customers and my fellow employees. I have impeccable taste in all areas, and will very eagerly disparage anyone who does not agree with me, using a variety of puns, spoonerisms, and obscure literary reference.
Though I have no relevant professional office experience, I am well-versed in many aspects of the use of computers and the internet. I am proficient in the Microsoft Office Suite, having vomited out a one hundred page thesis under the influence of a cocktail of caffeine, narcotics and tins of smoked oysters. My ability in internet research is beyond reproach. I have read much of Wikipedia and am confident that I can answer any question via this amazing peer-edited encyclopedia-esque clusterfuck. I am also more than proficient in the use of most social networking platforms, having spent the better part of the last four years stalking various female co-eds over facebook and posting pictures of myself and my friends in compromising situations.
I am well-versed in the basic operation and troubleshooting of basic office equipment. My copy-machine-punching skills are beyond reproach, as well as my ability to unintentionally send faxes to strange Asian facilities several times over, running up your phone bill and creating a plethora of fun situations, wherein you will be delighted by phone calls from Japanese businessmen, calling to inquire about the ten pages of sensitive personal information that have been sent to their office twelve times in the last thirty minutes.
As an employee, I am initially motivated, charming, smart and professional. However, within a few weeks, you will discover that I am lazy, slovenly, sarcastic and rude. You will soon discover that all of my stockings have runs, my shoes smell, and that all my t-shirts are either stupid or offensive.
I am very excited about this opportunity to join your company. If you take a chance on me, I know you will not be disappointed. Attached, please find my thin and unimpressive resume. I would love to schedule a time to talk, but have a sinking feeling that I will never hear from you.

Best,

Alise M. Scheeler, truly awesome future employee