30 Days

Today is the "one month to go" mark on my wedding calendar. I'm getting a little nervous (and very excited) about the event. I've got a lot left to do, and not a lot of time or money to do it, but I know that we can make it work.

The other aspect of this "one month" countdown ties in with a lot of what I've been thinking about lately when it comes to health and my body. As I previously stated, I am happy with myself. My body and its size is not one of my top priorities. Ben loves my body and I love him for that. The only thing I don't like about myself at the moment is how unhealthy I feel. B and I have become a bit sedentary here in Helena. We've been eating for comfort and spending a lot of time in front of the television/computer. Because of this, neither of us are as healthy as we'd like to be. Starting today, B and I have committed to a one mile walk each evening after (a healthier) dinner. Hopefully, with this as a start, we can committ to living a healthier lifestyle, and creating a life together that will be as long as possible.

I feel that this ceremony has a slightly different meaning for B and I than it does for other young couples. B and I have been together for six years this October. We've been living together for four of those six years. In our minds, we have already made a life-long committment to one another. A lot of what this ceremony is, for us, is telling the world that we are in it for the long run. Beyond the practical, legal aspects (which are important to us), this ceremony also says that we mean to do the "work" of love. To go beyond what we normally would to support one another and make our collective lives great.

Musings on Fat

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life as a fat girl. I've always been fat. I look at pictures of myself in kindergarten, and realize that there hasn't really been a time in my life where I haven't been at least "chubby".
Because of this, I feel that I've had a lot of time to at least get used to the idea. These days, I rarely scrutinize my body in the way that I did during my teenage years. I no longer look at the fat under my arm and feel disgust or guilt. I don't look at my belly and feel hopeless. I look at it now and feel...not much. My body is just my body at this point. It's how I get around the world. It's the vehicle for so many experiences, and I no longer hate or distrust it.
Despite feeling OK about my body, and worrying comparatively little about how others perceive me, I still hold on to some of the body issues I developed in those less-than-perfect teenage years. The thing I notice most these days is my anxiety over eating in public, especially alone. Though I know it probably isn't the case, I feel as if people around me are scrutinizing what I put in my mouth. Having a salad? "Thank goodness she's on a diet." Eating a burger and fries? "Christ, look at her! She really doesn't care about herself does she?"
This can turn lunch into a trial. I find myself trying to look busy, trying to pay more attention to my book or cell phone, rather than the food in front of me. Trying to look like I could care less if I eat or not. I realize more and more that this is silly, a self-imposed anxiety about food that really does me a disservice. I want to let go of these last vestiges of self-loathing that muddy things for me. A lunch alone can be such an unexpected treat in the middle of a long workday. Why ruin it?